Why Maria Hates Bath And Body Works
by MadQuinn13
Summary: After a mission Natasha some how ended up in Bath and Body works. Maria does not want their apartment to model the actual store and tries to make Clint go and pull her out before she buys anything. He won't though since no straight man actually entered that store and he does not want random men grouping his ass. Black Hill.


Natasha and Clint had just finished a mission. It wasn't hard but it was in public so they had to be sneaking about it. That was the tough part.

They somehow ended up in front of a mall and well Natasha saw the big black letters in front of the shiny gold background. It might have been the one store she actually loved. If she wasn't working with S.H.I.E.L.D she might considering working there. Just for the smells alone.

"I'll just be a minute." She absent mindedly said to Clint who was looking for a place to get a burger.

"Yeah sure whatever." He wasn't paying attention to anything but the signs. He loved that most malls now had signs on the outside so you know what was inside. "IKEA has some decent food. Unless I find a Sonic."

…

Maria was use to Clint and Natasha wandering off when a mission like this was completed. She sadly only just noticed what stores were at their disposal. As long as Clint stayed out of Bed Bath and Beyond and Natasha stayed out of Bath and Body Works there shouldn't be a problem.

But with those two there always was.

They had been in the mall for four hours. She knew they ended up going into those stores. She didn't want to drag them out kicking and screaming like last time. One of the store clerks said that she also had a sibling with mental retardation, but being called a retard did not make Clint cooperate any easier.

Natasha was even worse to get out.

She already started to get the phone calls from Fury demanding to know what was taking so long and he didn't care about their obsessions with a certain store.

She tried the com link one more time, Natasha didn't answer but that was to expected she rarely did. Clint however did actually answer even if it sounded like he had a mouth full of food.

"What?"

"Where the hell are you?"

"I found a Sonic."

"Get back to the van now."

"Can I bring the burgers?"

"Fine. But go get Natasha first."

"Where is she?"

"Bath and Body Works."

"If I try to take her out of there she will kill me."

"If you don't I will snap your bow in half."

"Fury will give me a new one."

"I can make sure it's a plastic toy one."

"I'll see what I can do."

…

Clint was standing in front of Bath and Body Works, Sonic take out bag in hand. He couldn't see her but he did see numerous flamboyant men inside.

"I'm not going in there." He didn't care if she snapped his bow he was not some piece of eye candy. "Nothing is worth going in there."

"Why not?"

"I do not wish to be objectified by the numerous gay men in that store."

"Clint go in there now."

"No way they'll grab my ass I do not like having strange men grab my ass."

"No one wants to grab your ass."

"That's not true. Steve, Tony and Thor all grabbed my ass after the New York thing…Bruce never did…..why didn't Bruce want to grab my ass? My ass is nice!"

The hardest part of Maria's job was by far not killing Clint and Natasha.

"Go get Natasha out and back to the van. I don't give a fuck who does or does not grab your ass."

"You'd care if Natasha grabbed my ass."

"I don't want to grab your ass Clint." Natasha finally decided to use the com link it seemed. "I want to grab and slap Maria's."

"Everyone in the van can hear this conversation." Maria reminded them while resisting the urge to face palm.

"Everyone in the van will see me do it when I'm done shopping."

"You do not need anything from Bath and Body Works. You have one of everything in the store already." It used to be Maria's apartment, it used to be her bathroom. Now it was a mini Bath and Body Works store. The guest room held everything that didn't fit in the bathroom like the candles and excess of soaps and bubble baths even if there was only a shower in the apartment.

"They have a new collection. Just came out."

"YOU DO NOT NEED ANY MORE SHIT FROM THERE."

"You do not need three dog sized Snuggies, didn't stop you from getting them." Natasha was currently sniffing the same candle a fifth time in a row, still not completely sure she wanted it.

"Are you drunk and watching the Shopping Network?"

"No but I'm sniffing a candle that smells like S'mores and oh look it's in the bag now." She also got the same smell in every product they sold. After all you can't mix scents.

"If you do not come to the van in five minutes with no purchases I will come in a get you myself. No shopping lifting it either."

"What if I don't are you gonna punish me?" Maria was going to kill Natasha. She was going to slowly murder her.

"I think that guy staring at me is thinking about punishing me." Clint spoke up once again with a mouth full of burger.

"JUST GET TO THE VAN!" Maria never wanted to switch jobs with Phil so much, she would much rather be dealing with a bunch of new recruits than deal with these two. New recruits still had that amount of fear and respect that Clint and Natasha never really had.

The five minutes were up and no sign of either agent in sight. She knew the easiest way to get them both out it would raise questions and everything else but fuck it. She could make sure they get the blame not her.

She checked by Sonic figuring Clint must have returned for more burgers but there was no sign of him.

"Clint where are you?"

"I told him where Bed, Bath and Beyond was. Turns out he didn't know it was in this mall." Natasha answered for him.

"Why would you do that. You know how hard it is to get him out of there."

"Yes but it's very close to Sonic where I'm sure you are now looking for him so I figured you'd get him first which gives me more time to shop. Also thanks for paying for all my stuff."

"I'm not buying you the Bath and Body Works shit."

"That's not what the credit card I have says."

Maria should've known that Natasha had a card done up in Maria's name. She only had the one card and therefore never checked her credit rating or anything. "When did you get that one made up?"

"My second day working with S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Have you been paying it off?"

"Why would I when it's not my card?"

Maria went towards Clint, if she dealt with Natasha now she would kill her and she would rather not kill her girlfriend. Not now with so many witnesses anyways. There was also the hang up about how she loved her everything but it was mostly the witnesses which were saving the former Russian's ass.

Maria was very glad now that she did take the tranquilizer dart. It was going to make this more fun for her.

"Hey Maria do you need any more K cups?" Clint finally returned to the communications. "There's a sale on where you can buy five and get five."

"Ha! There's a sale here if you buy twenty to you twenty free." Natasha tried to one up him.

"THAT IS JUST BUY ONE GET ONE IN A LARGE AMOUNT!" Maria knew that wasn't such a big deal.

"So is that a yes or a no to the K cups?"

"It's a get to the fucking van."

"...You always sounds so hot when you're angry." Natasha clearly wanted to push Maria's buttons today.

"She really does. Hey Agent Hill say 'You've been a very bad boy.'" Maria was now in the store and could see Clint in his sleevelessness looking at the Soda Stream. Clint looked over at her and grinned and waved. "Hey Nat she doesn't just sound hot when she's angry." Maria raised the small gun in her hand, letting Clint it see just a second too late and soon the dart was in his neck, a second on in his chest. "I've been shot! She's shot me!" He started yelling and screaming clearly trying to get the attention on her, what for she didn't know nor care. Two of the agents that were in the van with her, followed her per her command and grabbed the now unconscious Clint.

By the time she got to Bath and Body Works Natasha was sitting on the bench outside with around twenty shopping bags all full.

"Ready?" Natasha was grinning up at Maria. Maria just glared at her. "I bought you a candle, it's supposed to be like a beach." Natasha was trying to make sure her girlfriend wasn't too mad at her. "I figured we can lit it tonight when we go to bed."

"You won't be smelling it." Maria grabbed Natasha's arm keeping her from running off again.

"'Cause my nose will be broke?"

"Because you won't be sleeping inside."

"It's winter."

"It is."

"It's snowing."

"Yup."

"I'll freeze."

"Take a candle to keep you warm." The rest of the walk to the van was silent. Clint was still out cold and Natasha took her seat next to Maria.

"Will a I'm sorry help?"

"Nope."

"Will sexual favors get me anywhere?"

"Not this time."

"What if I actually pay off the credit card I got?"

"You'll pay that off either way."

Natasha just sighed and pouted. "Can I still watch tv when we get home?"

"Nope."

"But the new Spongebob is coming on tonight."

"You just spent five hours in Bath and Body Works while still actually being on a mission."

"You can use the body wash too."


End file.
